There Outside

by FEDDY

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Have you ever been so close to the edge that the only way to stop the pain in your chest was to scratch your body until it starts bleeding? Have you ever seen the deep black blur right in front of you, whatever you were looking at? The pain inside you becomes a part of your reality, day or night, it's always with you. These thoughts seem to never leave you. You see yourself as a little kid deep in trouble. You want to help, but you just can not move.

Now tell me what would you do when your beloved one is taking care at a mental hospital? I was there once and I do know what it feels like. When strong rules and restrictions make you feel that you're nobody. When personnel can do anything with you, tie you down or even beat you. It depends on a hospital, and usually men's departments are more colored red with violence than women's. But the suffocating state of being locked away behind the bars is a necessary part of life for each human being in there. This is a small world that seems to be totally departed from the real life. And when you get there you start seeing things from the the other side. As if some border was crossed, though actually we only leave our surface images to meet the real us. Whether we are patients or personnel, never mind. One of my friends worked as a orderly man in a mental house. His saying was: "All people out there are equal. The difference is between those who have keys and those who have not!"

I was cleaning her room, seeing things thrown out and torn away in anger. I was cleaning the floor, where she was lying shaking in tears and agony. I knew I had to be so strong as I have not been before. I was strong when I myself came through the same thing, but it was easier back then. I was seeing her everyday, bringing her sweets that she would give away to other patients. Then she came out with this lyric. It was the beautiful fall, the trees were so colorful, but we both have not seen anything at all. Later I turned the lyric in English and wrote the song called There Outside.

I wish each of us had someone to take care of and to be cared by. Then we'd live in the better world. If those who used to give us birth were together we'd never be in trouble. And remember that there is nothing wrong in being mentally ill. Do you really believe that those who's out there are fully happy? And who said that it is normal to be happy? Human bodies are fragile and human brain is one of the most fragile parts of them. Do let the problems have sex with it!

lyrics

There Outside

Here on the sprung bed
Staring at the wall...
Crack patterns in the plaster
Waltzing with themselves...
The bell is ringing and the
Sister calls...
Somebody has come for
Someone else...

Here on the dial plate
There is no hour hands.
I drink this tasteless time
When taking pills...
A single cigarette
At my command
Gonna get me
Everything I will...

I look out at the trees
That shake their branches free...

Are you there outside?
Behind the door
locked and blocked, seems forevermore...
Tell me, tell me,
Are you there outside?

Are you there outside?
Behind the bars
That hold me tied
To my own scars...
Tell me, tell me,
Are you there outside?

Cats chat,
Red spots on the sheet,
Fat bottoms float by squeezed in
The pink and blue...
Tooth-less mouth sucking
A pack of sweets,
Telling something
But I hear: I love you...

Look at the poplar trees
Their yellow leaves so free...

Are you there outside?
Behind the door
That's locked and blocked, it seems, forevermore...
Tell me, tell me
Are you there outside?

Are you there outside?
Behind the bars
That hold me tied
To my own scars...
Tell me, tell me,
Are you there outside?

Schizophrenia
Liquid and languid...
Psychopaths
Keep on singing and banging...
Bathrobes stinking
Of diseased bodies...
Stop explaining to me
What God is!
What I was doing wrong
Was only in my head.
What I feel for real
Is this hospital bed.
When I'm free
On my own track,
Better believe, I won't get back!

Are you there outside?
Behind the door
That's locked and blocked, it seems, forevermore...
Tell me, tell me,
Are you there outside?

Are you there outside?
Behind the bars
That hold me here tied
To my own scars...
Tell me, tell me,
Are you there outside?

credits

released October 23, 2015
Feddy - music, instruments, voices, recording, production
Anika Turchan - brain artwork

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about

Begemotion Records Saint Petersburg, Russia

Fedor "Feddy Begemot" Lavrov (b.08.18.1965). Studied music at musical school. Started recording at 13, formed 1st band in 1980. In 1982 formed DIY studio/label Begemotion Records to release tapes by Leningrad punk acts OS/DS, NO, BP. Bands: OS/DS 1983-1984. NO 1983-1986. Somnambula 1988-1994. Begemot 1996-2001. Feddy 2001-2013. OS/DS 2014-2016. Begemot 2017.. ... more

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